Belonging…

Belonging

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people.  We are biologically, cognitively, physically and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we are meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.
Brene Browne

From the time I was very young my mother would tell me to gather as many friends as possible and to value them deeply.  My friends are my family.  ‘No-one can have too many friends’, she would say.

Those whom I have met suffering from depression and deep sadness are often those who have cut themselves off from those around them.  Often they believe they are a burden to their friends and families because they are ill or low, but in thinking so, they hurt those who love them and isolate themselves so much that loneliness abounds and a sense of hope is often completely lost.  Self-esteem plunges and the meaning to their existence shrinks to bafflement and then ultimately to questioning ‘why exist’? Depression thrives in isolation. I truly believe people die from a lack of love.

In Victor Frankel’s “Man’s Search For Meaning” I recognise this is what he was realising whilst being imprisoned in Auschwitz.

“A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which a man can aspire.
Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. His survival depended upon his belonging”.

It breaks my heart to meet people who breathe without truly ‘living’ and who fail to experience this beautiful world and the fabulous people in it. But…we have to make the effort. Summon up courage and mingle! We cannot blossom without being fed and watered.

When we connect we feel valued, heard, seen and strong, not to mention full of joy and excitement. I generally speak to a friend a day ‘to make sure they are ok’, something I have done since I was 11. Something to the chagrin of my father when, as a teenager, I would hog the telephone all night.  Now of course I have my own phone and connect with someone, somewhere, daily (face-to-face, or voice-to-voice, not through FB). For what is the point of living if I am not connected to other beings? I can talk to myself and laugh at myself (but it is not as much fun as sharing). I also believe we can drive ourselves mad through loneliness.

And I wonder how many people who are about to leave this world, lie back and wish they had spent more time at work, or worked-out harder?  Few I would imagine.  I would be fairly sure they had wished they had spent more time with loved ones and more time playing.

In the end I want to be able to lie back and remember and laugh at my library of sweet memories. When I was barely coming out of toddler-hood, my great aunt taught me ‘never to look back and wish I had’.  I apply that to my friendships all the time. Ring them now not later. Visit them now not next month. Hug them at every given opportunity. Tell them you love them. Hold hands. And play!

We need our beauty reflected back to us….our friends do that. (Make sure your friends are kind to you though, if they are not, then fire them – they are not your friends).

I am not saying that we have to be dependent upon another being, I am saying, we need to belong to something to connect with those who are like-minded. Play groups like – Book clubs, Movie clubs, Yoga schools, Charities, Dance groups, Tennis clubs, Football clubs, Cooking tours, Art tours, Gallery tours, Cafe societies…whatever….oh it goes on and on!

In Emily Esfahani Smith’s book “The Power of Meaning”, she writes: “In our age of isolation, it is more critical than ever to actively seek out social groups and work hard to build close relationships especially because many forms of community are dissolving. Across society, people are spending less time with friends and neighbours and more time in front of T.V., screens, phones “privatising” our leisure time”.

We need to belong!

And if you think you are too old to play, then you have lost the plot!  For the rhythm of life may be unfathomably cruel at times but it is also playful and full of sunshine, delight and adventure.

 

Annemaree x

 

Thank you Jake Corke for this gorgeous photo that you took in Cambodia.  I look at it often and reminisce on the fun we had putting my tour together.

 

 

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“What more is there to say?”.

 

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 I saw this photo somewhere on social media recently and spent some considerable time finding it.  

I resonate so much with it, that I put my next blog ‘on hold’ and thought I would share this simple pic with you.

So poignant, beautiful and thought-provoking!

 

Annemaree x

 

 

Thank you to the person who took this photograph, whoever you may be!

 

 

 

 

In presence of the moon…

 

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I have often heard it said that beauty is not in the face. Beauty is in the heart. What is truly attractive is when a person walks into a room, carrying themselves with ‘attitude’, straight and tall, exuding self-confidence, smiling and showing their inner spirit through their kind and gentle persona.  This is ‘presence’. This is loaded self-esteem. This is powerful!

In presence of the Moon nobody sees stars.” ― Amit Kalantri

I remember when I was in my early twenties and I was sent to the Maldives for my work. I was alone, lacked confidence and was shy.  I would walk into the restaurant each evening and sit myself down hoping I would not be noticed. One evening an elderly woman came up to me and actually admonished me for not holding my head high, showing courage, smiling, acknowledging those around me and having as she called it ‘presence’.  A little harsh perhaps?  Clearly the experience caused me to reflect, listen, observe and to be more aware. Obviously it affected me deeply as decades later, I am relating this to you. Whilst her words were delivered in a critical way, they helped me through life

So what else has this concept of ‘presence’, taught me?

Presence is when you believe in yourself.

People with presence do what they say and manifest their intentions. People with presence are influencers, creators, leaders and the silent walkers on this earth…

Their presence speaks before their voice does.

They are free to make their own decisions and to follow their own path. Yes, they will doubt themselves. Otherwise they would not grow. However they listen intently and learn studiously but are not into controlling others nor are they controlled in any way.

In fact many influencers on this earth walk through the world without realising their impact.

They walk cloaked with humility and understanding.

Those with presence –

They don’t just talk – they act.

They don’t just hear – they listen.

They don’t just see – they watch carefully.

They don’t just dream, they manifest.

They are compassionate and empathetic.

Their kindness is what roots them to the earth so that they are grounded and fair.

Just because of the way they are, many are attracted to them.  Heart and soul. Not brain and ego. They want to be like them. But not in image – in spirit.

And…often those who feel they have to boast about their circumstances, image, or money are the very ones who have little presence.

For isn’t it true, the most admired qualities in the human race cannot be bought?

No matter how much you own or how much you don’t own, you are the master of your destiny. Money cannot buy inner peace, integrity, love, health, trust, patience, dignity, time or happiness.

These are found ‘ within’ and subject to the choices one makes each step of the way.

But there is also another really important lesson here. Your presence is enough! Yes, enough!

Recently I offered a hand out to a friend who is very ill. Not only did he often shirk my offer, he taught me that it was up to him to heal and my presence was simply enough. I didn’t need to offer help, words, sympathise, stalk or support him. For me, this truth is hard to bear when I see another being I care for suffering. However, it is as it is…and my challenge was and always will be to accept this perspective.

“When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million, empty words.”  Thema Davis

So I have to set aside what I call the ‘healer’s ego’ ( i.e. understand that my role is to heal myself and not impose my way of living on another being).  Lighting a candle; making a cup of tea; playing soothing music, may be far more treasured than beseeching one to follow my path or for me to create a plethora of healing remedies in the hope that they will be pursued.  In the end, all my friend wanted was ‘nothing’ – what he appreciated was ‘my presence’.

I do my best to live by this lesson, especially when my students open up their hearts to me. All I can do is be present, silent and to listen.

Poignantly the words ‘silence’ and ‘listen’ have exactly the same letters!

 

“The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”  Thich Nhat Hanh.

 

With love,

Annemaree xxxx